A Little Cup of Cyanide

A few nights ago I got a rather interesting offer. If you could only have heard the conversations that followed. Have you ever wanted something for a really long time, then someone offered to give it to you, and you chickened out at the last second? Well, not so much chickened out in my case. I thought the person offering was joking. But after I realized it was completely serious, I had a good chance to get the offer back. This time I had time to chicken out, and decided to take the offer a little too late. So the offer kind of vanished again. So, that’s all I can think about now. How could I be so stupid and not just say yes right then and there? I would kick myself, but I’m not that flexible. The last thing I need right now is to pull a muscle. I could get someone else to kick me, I suppose…

I don’t know, though. I’m not a trusting person. Everything is a conspiracy of some sort, and there is always an ulterior motive. It takes me forever to get to know someone well enough to even talk to them, let alone actually trust them. Accept that fact or not, that’s just how I’ve always been, and you’re not going to change that. So when you tell me to trust you, you’re probably wasting precious air that could be wasted on something much more useful, because it really doesn’t matter what you say. Yet, it really wasn’t an issue of whether I trust him or not. For some completely unfounded reason, I trust him. More than myself, actually. I have absolutely no problem with his ideas. I’m the one that’ll mess everything up.

It’s strange. Little Miss Drama Machine moves out, and I suddenly have way too much to worry about. I think I needed her around to make my life seem boring. Why isn’t my room protecting me anymore?

So, I have a question for the guys out there who are uber nice and want to answer this. You’ll have to read this post to get the story. Anyway, I had a talk with someone. She suggested I just tell him I like him. The problem is, I’m super shy. So she suggested just starting out by adding him to Facebook and leaving him a message. It’s a start, and it’s not too obvious, because people are adding people on Facebook all the time. So I add him and send him a message. About two seconds after sending the message, I get this sinking feeling, like HOLY FUCK! I was totally obvious. The message was something like “Hey, we talked to you in class a few times, and you seem like an interesting person.” Obvious, right? So just to be sure, I asked one of my guy friends what he thinks. He says it’s blatant flirting to him. So now I’m like oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, this is bad.

It gets worse. This was about two weeks ago. He hasn’t said anything to me. So I have no clue what’s going on. I mean, what if he thinks it’s just me giving him a compliment, and he has no clue I like him? But what if he does know I like him, which is the more likely option? Why isn’t he saying anything? Does he just hate me? So if I go actually tell him I like him is it just going to make me annoying because I keep telling him when he’s obviously not interested? Or is he just super shy like me and can’t respond?

As you can see, I have a dilemma. I need answers. At this point, I think I can tell him, but I don’t know if it’s a good idea now. anybody have suggestions?

So. Valentines Day. How was it? I personally hate Valentine’s Day, but that’s just me. I have mixed feelings about it this year. Someone tried to hook me up with another one of her friends. He’s pretty cool. He’s cute, in that nerdy way that I usually find completely irresistible. He’s super nice, he’s funny, pretty much the perfect guy in my standards. We talked all day on AIM yesterday when I wasn’t in class. So, after I got off the computer, I realized that yeah, I like him, he’s cool. But I don’t actually feel anything for him. And I actually caught myself trying to find something wrong with him. I was seriously sitting there thinking to myself “Okay, he’s great. So what’s the catch? There has to be something wrong with this guy, no one is that perfect.”

Which started me thinking about all the other guys I’ve talked to lately. I realize I do the same thing with every guy. I find myself avoiding them and finding the stupidest things wrong with them so I can get out of it before anything really starts. Why the hell do I do this? Then I remember talking to my friend Amber back in eighth grade. Amber happens to be a lesbian. I had pretty much this exact conversation with her, that she simply didn’t want to go out with guys because she liked girls, so she would try to end them quick. And for a minute, it almost made complete sense.

Except for two little facts that break this theory. First, I’ve never been attracted to a woman. Yes, I’ve seen attractive women, but I’ve never actually been attracted to one. I have nothing against lesbians, gays, bisexual, pansexual, whatever other kinds of sexual orientations there are out there. But the thought of myself actually being with another woman in a sexual way gives me a kind of creepy crawly feeling. It’s just not for me. Second, I am most definitely attracted to guys. Especially one guy. His name is H for now. I’ve had this crazy crush on him since the beginning of freshman year, but I don’t ask guys out if I like them.

So it all clicked then. He’s why I keep trying to get rid of any guys who like me. They’re not H. And I know what I’m going to have to do to get on with my life now. I have to tell him how I feel. The worst thing he can do is say he isn’t interested. And he’s a nice guy, so I’m pretty sure he won’t be a jerk about it. If he says yes, then woo! I know for sure I won’t be trying to push him away anytime soon. If he says no, I’ll have my answer and I go on with my life. I’ll have no reason to compare guys to him if I know there’s no hope.

Now, the mixed feelings. I just met this new guy. We have plans to meet next Friday. But I don't know what's going to happen with the whole H thing. And even if I talk to him before then and he says he's not interested, I'm not going to feel like getting involved with this other guy. I was thinking about just blocking him and pretending we never met. But I know how that feels. He keeps saying what a sweet person I am, and I don’t want him to think that there are absolutely no nice people out there. According to the person who gave him my screenname, he has security issues. But I’m always telling people that sometimes you have to think about what you need. I should follow my advice.

One of my suitemates, let's call her X for now, moved out. This is the second time she's moved out on me in two years. That part doesn't really bother me. She didn't leave because of me. What does bother me is that I'm never informed of these things until after they happen. Last year for example, I knew she was moving in with, let's say, G. She kept telling me she was just spending a lot of time over there, but I knew she just didn't want to tell me she was moving out. She never actually admitted to it until about two months after I figured it out for myself.

So, this year comes along. X, G, B, and myself all got a suite together. The first semester everything was great. Then apparently everyone started getting sick of X. At one time G and B were joking, at least I think they were joking, about kicking X out. A few weeks later I come in from class and half of X's room is packed up. Just like that. And G is like "We need to talk." Uh... Yeah. Why didn't we talk before? Why did everyone else know this was happening but me? Oh, but it gets better.

That night, we have a "pow-wow". G tells me that two people from her and B's major are going to be moving into X's room so they can all help each other and do the whole observation carpool thing. And G says "I just wanted you to know ahead of time in case you don't want to deal with new people, you have time to find another place or something." First off, don't I have ANY say in this? It's like I'm a house guest or something. If I don't like the people THEY choose to move in, I can just move out. Second, once again I'm left completely in the dark until everything is decided. Then they inform me on what's going on.

I think I might just move out next year. The only thing is I don't know anyone who needs a roommate. But I feel like I don't really fit in here. I like B and G. They're cool, they don't treat me like total shit. But the personalities just don't fit right. I need a better environment. People who get me. People who don't spend 3/4 of their life talking about sex. People who are as weird as me. I know they think I'm weird. Especially when G shrieks "What the fuck is wrong with you?" like I just came after her with an ax or something. And frankly, I think they're pretty boring most of the time.