A Little Cup of Cyanide

So. Valentines Day. How was it? I personally hate Valentine’s Day, but that’s just me. I have mixed feelings about it this year. Someone tried to hook me up with another one of her friends. He’s pretty cool. He’s cute, in that nerdy way that I usually find completely irresistible. He’s super nice, he’s funny, pretty much the perfect guy in my standards. We talked all day on AIM yesterday when I wasn’t in class. So, after I got off the computer, I realized that yeah, I like him, he’s cool. But I don’t actually feel anything for him. And I actually caught myself trying to find something wrong with him. I was seriously sitting there thinking to myself “Okay, he’s great. So what’s the catch? There has to be something wrong with this guy, no one is that perfect.”

Which started me thinking about all the other guys I’ve talked to lately. I realize I do the same thing with every guy. I find myself avoiding them and finding the stupidest things wrong with them so I can get out of it before anything really starts. Why the hell do I do this? Then I remember talking to my friend Amber back in eighth grade. Amber happens to be a lesbian. I had pretty much this exact conversation with her, that she simply didn’t want to go out with guys because she liked girls, so she would try to end them quick. And for a minute, it almost made complete sense.

Except for two little facts that break this theory. First, I’ve never been attracted to a woman. Yes, I’ve seen attractive women, but I’ve never actually been attracted to one. I have nothing against lesbians, gays, bisexual, pansexual, whatever other kinds of sexual orientations there are out there. But the thought of myself actually being with another woman in a sexual way gives me a kind of creepy crawly feeling. It’s just not for me. Second, I am most definitely attracted to guys. Especially one guy. His name is H for now. I’ve had this crazy crush on him since the beginning of freshman year, but I don’t ask guys out if I like them.

So it all clicked then. He’s why I keep trying to get rid of any guys who like me. They’re not H. And I know what I’m going to have to do to get on with my life now. I have to tell him how I feel. The worst thing he can do is say he isn’t interested. And he’s a nice guy, so I’m pretty sure he won’t be a jerk about it. If he says yes, then woo! I know for sure I won’t be trying to push him away anytime soon. If he says no, I’ll have my answer and I go on with my life. I’ll have no reason to compare guys to him if I know there’s no hope.

Now, the mixed feelings. I just met this new guy. We have plans to meet next Friday. But I don't know what's going to happen with the whole H thing. And even if I talk to him before then and he says he's not interested, I'm not going to feel like getting involved with this other guy. I was thinking about just blocking him and pretending we never met. But I know how that feels. He keeps saying what a sweet person I am, and I don’t want him to think that there are absolutely no nice people out there. According to the person who gave him my screenname, he has security issues. But I’m always telling people that sometimes you have to think about what you need. I should follow my advice.